Any time you’ve walked into a shop to buy your park tinnies and come away with the silver Heineken tinnies, it’s not because of taste. Heineken (specifically the ridged metal tins) Just like a can of Kronenbourg is a slightly more convoluted way to drink beer. And you know why? Because it’s basically a convoluted way of saying you don’t like politicians. Why do you think it’s appropriate to bore friends you haven’t seen for two months with faux-deep takes? Yes, we can all agree that “the shambolic political response to the coronavirus crisis highlights the poverty of talent at the highest echelons of British politics”. That’s you all over – the pretentious everyman.

Ooooh, a French beer! Of course, it’s basically the same as every other tinny, but perhaps with a picture of Eric Cantona on it. Together, this means one thing: Tins in the park is your natural habitat. You know what good beer tastes like without resorting to hoppy bullshit. Pleasingly off the mainstream, but not obnoxiously so. It’s a whole vibe – a bit grungy, but you still know how to shower. Much has been written about the Tyskie boy. Showing everyone a ”funny” YouTube video or Kerry Katona’s nudes. Everybody’s there to have a nice drink, maybe a sunbathe, but you’re there. There’s simply nothing more jarring than the difference between the incredibly cool, Mads Mikkelsen-fronted Carlsberg adverts and the reality of actually drinking one of the cans. If you drink Carling, nobody is going to choose you as one of the six people they can meet up with. If we’re being specific: You really back your bladder. You’re the same kind of person who hasn’t eaten a Domino’s since the advent of Franco Manca. But that’s your whole vibe – you’ve got it in your head that something’s prestige and you need to stick to that. It should be in a bottle, and there’s simply no way it’s staying nice for the duration of the tinny. There’s something very wrong about San Miguel cans that’s hard to put your finger on. Someone need only glance at the can in your hand to know everything about you as a person.

The tin you pick from the supermarket fridge is a true reflection of your vibe. It’s the cornerstone of the British identity, and as the sun rises overhead there’s little any man or God could do to stop the country filling up a big bag with cans and heading to the park.įor all the habit says about us as a nation, it also speaks volumes about us as individuals. Lovely cold – but getting steadily warmer – tinnies. When Boris Johnson announced lockdown restrictions were lifting and we could meet up outside in groups of six, the nation’s mind turned to one thing: Cans.

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